The last few weeks I have literally woken up at least once with this feeling of “I can’t breathe…” It’s the strangest sensation, nothing is wrong…I just sort of jerk out of bed, I am wide awake and just have this feeling like something is off. I have been travelling a lot for work right now. Raleigh to Detroit to Chicago to Raleigh to Boston to…you get the picture!
I hate hotels to begin with, so at first I thought it was just a manifestation of my stress and anxiety about these trade shows I am overseeing for the first time and the crazy travel schedule, but I’ve been home in my own bed the last 2 nights and it is still happening. It’s not anything to worry about, so mom don’t text me right now in a panic!! 🙂 Along with that, I have been having the strangest dreams. Generally, I remember my dreams very clearly, but lately it’s like I am dreaming in flashes. Like just random moments, but not any actual full story or event. I’ll see kids at the park, I’ll be on a plane, then I’m in a grocery store…just really weird but not really super out there scenes! It’s just basically an odd sensation like something is wrong, or you know that feeling when you’re going away on a long trip and you just feel like you forgot something? It’s like that, except my life couldn’t be more stable and in-harmony right now if I tried!
If you’ve been reading my posts, you know by now that I’m not the type to just let these sort of things slide and NOT over-analyze it! 
So, off I went…I picked up Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Carl Jung, one of my all time favorite Analytical Psychologists. I’ve read the book many times, so I wasn’t reading to read but more for understanding on what could be triggering these weird dreams and for lack of a better phrase: panic attacks! (I will say that these are definitely NOT panic attacks, as I have witnessed people who suffer from them and they are truly debilitating; whereas mine are more just annoying because I like my sleep!) There wasn’t anything wrong, and I guess THAT is what is causing my bouts of anxiety and distorted dreaming patterns?!! Hear me out…
For the last 3 years it’s been one thing or the other. A truly crazy/draining relationship that just never would actually end. The ex who just never would go away fully and kept dragging be back into his messy world. The city that just beat me down with no exit plan in sight, which secretly I enjoyed too. My mom’s accident. Moving to Raleigh without a real plan or timeline. Adjusting to life here and feeling like I had stepped back into my life as it was in 2005. I have just gotten accustomed to life in the stress lane! Survival trumped harmony and for years treading water, escaping to Italy and getting through the year was my success story. But, in the last few months, I’d say since my birthday actually, there has been a definitive shift. I am actually enjoying life in Raleigh. I seem to have found a job that not only do I love, but man I don’t know shit about this stuff, so I am constantly challenged in ways I haven’t been in my career in years! I have even managed to balance how much of my time is family time vs personal time and figured out a way to have a life!! Go figure, I think…wait for it…I am happy!
There’s actually a term for it: Happychondria!! Happiness is supposed to feel so natural and normal to us, yet we often relate to happiness as something special, odd, lucky, a bonus, or a win against all odds. Instead of greeting happiness with open arms, our thoughts are full of suspicion, doubt, cynicism, and fear—why are we always sort of “waiting for the fall?”
We all know we want to be happy! I mean, that’s a given. But, we’re all told things that contradict this notion that happiness is a good thing. The greatest irony is that we’re actually afraid of everything we like. Too much of a good thing is actually bad, who’s mom has ever said that to you? For instance, according to what we’re taught, success will corrupt you, money is the root of all evil, fame will ruin you, love makes you blind, happiness is selfish, and retirement will be the death of you. Strangely, that which we most desire frightens us the most. We will allow ourselves trickles of delight every now and then, but when the experience of happiness is more vivid, real, and long term, we’re often burdened with feelings of self-doubt and thrown into a whirlwind of emotions and primarily led by our fears, but why? Why, when things are going well do we become our own saboteurs??
Happiness is so natural to our unconditioned Self, yet our conditioning has somehow taught us to cloud our experience of happiness with endless misperceptions, fearful beliefs, false prerequisites, and unnecessary bullshit. How many of us have met a really great guy and immediately start finding all the reasons why it won’t or can’t work, or immediately start critiquing all of your own faults and finding yourself inadequate for a good relationship or a good man? I know I am guilty of this many times over.
When happiness occurs, we experience a mix of great gratitude and this nagging self-doubt.
Fear creeps into your subconscious and screams: When happy, either just deny it or hide it. We’re afraid to show our happiness for fear of being thought of as conceited, selfish, juvenile, or boastful even. We are somehow o
kay with the notion of too much sadness but cannot wrap our brain around the idea that we deserve too much happiness! But, I think we all do! So, how can we condition ourselves to receive happiness and not feel guilty for having beautiful moments, experiences and people flood into our lives? And, for those of us who believe in a higher power it’s actually even that much harder to embrace happiness. We only turn to God in times of misery or doubt. God saves us, right…which in itself implies that struggles are necessary for us to be truly be deserving of being saved! We’ve also been taught to believe that while the Gods will tolerate occasional happiness, anything that’s too long lasting or seems too good to be true will result in high payment for the person experiencing it and even warrant terrible wrath ultimately! I know my mom would always tell me, “you’re laughing too much today, you’re going to cry before bedtime!” How crappy is that?? Sorry, mom…but it is!! Fate is also a real killjoy, isn’t it? When good things happen it’s generally outside of your control or due to luck and sometimes preparation, but bad things…well, that’s fate or my other favorite words destiny, karma or whatever justification word/phrase we conjure up so we can get through the bad times without too much damage. Hence, when happy, we keep our fingers crossed, hold our breath, avoid walking under ladders, and look out for black cats.
Well, I am happy! I guess that’s not fully allowed, huh!?? Or at least you can’t say it out loud…to others!! Even this post, as I write it I hear my mother’s voice in my head saying “why are you openly putting this out there, you’re inviting the evil eye!!” And, maybe I am…time will tell! But, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime, I am excited about the possibilities the future holds and even more than that I truly believe I DESERVE to find happiness and good things should manifest in my path and I will not feel guilty about it. But, it’s clear that my mind and possibly my subconscious feels differently. But, here’s the thing…I run this show! Once you start to understand how your thoughts and what emotions you allow yourself to indulge your time in can ultimately impact the actual events that manifest in your life, you become more careful about what you will allow to enter your mind.
I don’t know if this is the right approach, but I literally say out loud the things I want to happen and only the good things…not the things I am fearful of. For example, and DONT laugh! I have really gotten into the notion of affirmations…nothing major or hoakey but stuff that we should all believe. “The universe wants happiness for me.” “The things and people that come into my life are meant to help me grow.” “That which I seek is also seeking me, so I am going to prepare my life to be ready to receive!” I say things like this to my self while I am blow-drying my hair, putting on my makeup or even when I’m just bumming around my apartment. 
Like out loud to myself and to the universe too. It’s something I started doing after reading Louise Hay’s book Experience your good, Now! My close friends who have heard me do this make fun of me all the time, but I am telling you, something is working. What do you actually have to lose?? So, if you’re reading this, and there are some little things you’ve started adding into your life to just try to be more positive and kind to yourself please share them with me!
My point isn’t to rub it into anyone’s face that I am happy. I don’t even expect that it will last forever…but, hell why not?! It’s just to say that we share our sadness and all the things in life that have made us feel like victims or failures. We wear our hurt and scars as badges of honor and walk around shamelessly warning others of the dangers of love, life and success. So, why can’t we also do the same with our joys, pleasures and good fortunes?? We are so scared of the ‘jinx,” well, un-jinx yourself today, honey!!! I think if we truly understood the power of our thoughts and its impact on our lives, we’d never think a degrading, self-deprecating, demeaning thought about ourselves or others….At least that is my hope!!
The space between expected and exceptional... 